whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
