it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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