Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
