am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Even my vagina gasped.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
