I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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