I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
