it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
