This is not my ceiling
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
