also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
should my penis look like a turkey
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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