can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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