In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
