Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
