He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
