I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
