No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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