Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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