It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
