It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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