Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
