uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
