I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
