I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
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People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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