I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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