Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
