The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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