Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
