I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
