Just cropdusted the office
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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