i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
