well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
