The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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