Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
