I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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