Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize