your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
