am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
