Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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