I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
