after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
