if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He? As in you personified your dick?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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