Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
