I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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