I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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