allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
