New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
