Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
