he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
