I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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