Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize