I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
