RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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