My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
