Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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