The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he thought i was a dude.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
