dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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