i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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