Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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