I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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