6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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